Assorted Acolyte Insanity
by ColdFusion180
Summary: Headaches and burns are abundant as Magneto attempts to survive another day at the Acolyte base.


**Assorted Acolyte Insanity**

"Unbelievable," Magneto grumbled as he stepped out of his private lab with a cantankerous look on his face. "I go to all that effort to steal the latest, most advanced protein extractors and nucleotide transcription synthesizers yet developed only to find their backup data modules come with batteries not included! How is that possible? Now I have to search the base for a set of compatible batteries. That is after I find a way to get rid of this latest headache!"

Magneto turned the corner and nearly ran into Pyro who was just exiting one of the storage rooms. "Watch it!"

"Oops! Sorry boss," Pyro jumped and awkwardly tried to get out of the way. He was carrying something that looked like a large, modified snowboard.

"What do you think you're doing? What is that thing?" Magneto demanded, having almost been smacked in the head.

"It's for my latest idea!" Pyro chirped excitedly. "I just got done with the final round of prepping and modifications. Now all I gotta do is grab some kero, a blowtorch and try it out!"

"Oh no you don't!" Magneto snapped. "I don't know what kind of crazy, insane scheme you're up to this time, but I already know I'm not going to like it!"

"Come on boss, please?" Pyro begged. "You don't even know what it is yet!"

"I know I'll end up regretting it if I let you carry it out," Magneto growled. "Now you either forget about whatever stupid plan you've managed to cook up or…"

"AAAHHHHHHHHH!" Remy screamed as he hopped down the hallway while tangled up in some kind of long metallic ribbon and electrical tape. "OUTTA MY WAY!"

"Ow!" Magneto yelped as Remy bumped into him from behind. "Gambit! What's the big idea you…aaarrrggghhh!" Magneto yelled as he was hit from behind once again and knocked into a wall.

"GET BACK HERE YOU STINKING CAJUN!" Sabertooth roared as he ran by covered in a string of randomly blinking lights and with his hair half devoured by what looked like a large paper shredder. "YOU'RE GONNA PAY FOR THIS!"

"IT WAS AN ACCIDENT! AN ACCIDENT I TELL YOU!" Remy yelled.

"I'LL SHOW YOU AN ACCIDENT!" Sabertooth shouted. "I'LL 'ACCIDENTALLY' TEAR OFF ONE OF YOUR ARMS INSTEAD OF A LEG!"

"Ohhh," Magneto groaned as he managed to get to his feet. "And they wonder **why** my breath smells like aspirin all the time. Pyro, go tell those two nitwits to stop…Pyro? Pyro?" Magneto glanced around the hallway only to discover he was alone. Pyro had slipped away in the confusion. "Oh great! Where did that maniac run off to now?"

Magneto prepared to go look for Pyro, but instead stopped and headed for the kitchen. "Forget it. Whatever he is up to I'll find out and punish him for it later. Same goes for those other two fools. Right now I can only deal with **one** monster headache at a time."

Magneto reached the kitchen and found Piotr wielding a thin spatula while wearing a pair of oven mitts. "Colossus what are you doing?"

"Hmmm? Oh, I am baking cookies," Piotr replied as he opened the oven and took out a fully loaded cookie sheet. "I was in the mood and decided to make some homemade gingerbread ones."

"I see," Magneto noticed a large pot on the stove filled with something white. "What's in there? Frosting?"

"No," Piotr shook his head. "Marshmallow soup laced with wintergreen and peppermint."

"Huh?" Magneto blinked. "Marshmallow **soup**?"

"Yes. It was Pyro's idea. He said he invented it when he was little and that it went well with cookies," Piotr explained as he transferred the fresh cookies to a cooling rack.

"Of course it was Pyro's idea. Who else would come up with something like that?" Magneto rolled his eyes in disgust. "He told you how to make it?"

"No. He scribbled down the recipe before leaving to work on some new idea of his," Piotr indicated a slightly charred piece of paper. "I hope I am following the recipe correctly. The soup is very tricky to make. I think it should be done in a few minutes."

"Great," Magneto muttered to himself as he moved around the counter to the coffee machine. "Just what I need. The sanest nut of the bunch hyped up on some super sugar-saturated slop."

"I tasted the soup. It is actually quite good. Would you like to try it?" Piotr asked.

"Absolutely not! No way am I going to expose my internal organs to that brain rotting garbage," Magneto grunted as he prepared to fix himself some coffee.

"Wait! Don't use the…" Piotr tried to shout.

KA-BOOOOOOM!

"AAARRRGGGHHH!" Magneto screamed as the coffee machine exploded and sent used coffee grounds flying in all directions. Magneto stumbled back and bumped into the stove. He slipped on some wet coffee grounds and fell down just as he knocked over the soup pot.

HISSSSSSSSS!

"YEEEOOOWWWWWWWWW!" Magneto shrieked as he was covered in melted marshmallows. "OH MAN THAT STUFF IS HOT! OW! OW! OW! OW! OW!"

"Is everything alright?" Piotr asked lowering the empty cookie sheet which he had used to shield himself. "Oh no! The soup!"

"Forget the soup! What about **me**?" Magneto snapped as he staggered to his feet, the white marshmallow mixture sticking to his skin and uniform. "Ughhh! This stuff is insidious! I can't get it off!"

"The soup is quite sticky when it cools," Piotr shrugged. "Especially when it comes into contact with metal."

"Perfect! Just bloody perfect!" Magneto groaned now looking like a sickly, partially melted snowman. "Do I even want to know why the coffee machine just decided to blow up?"

"I am not really sure," Piotr thought. "Pyro warned me not to use it after he tinkered and borrowed a few parts. He said they were for some new project of his."

"PYRO!" Magneto roared angrily as he headed for the door. "That's it! That maniac has gone too far! I'm going to put a stop to his mindless, impulsive antics once and for all!"

"AAAHHHHHHHHH!" Remy hopped by the doorway still tied up in ribbon and electric tape while moving even more urgently than before.

"RUN AWAY! RUN AWAY!" Sabertooth ran close behind him still entwined with the paper shredder and looking somewhat panicked.

"That goes for you two fools as well!" Magneto shouted stepping out into the hallway. "I'm not going to stand for any more of your stupid, childish, insane…"

"YAAAHOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

"Huh?" Magneto spun around only to gape in shock. "Oh no…"

"HAHAHAHAHA!" Pyro whooped insanely as he maneuvered his modified snowboard down the hallway while riding on the crest of an enormous tidal wave of fire. "YEAH! YEAH!"

"Meep," Magneto whimpered right before the fire wave engulfed him.

FFFFFFFFF-RRRRRRAAAAAAOOOOOOOOOWWWHHH!

"WAAAHOOOOOOOOO!" Pyro cackled maniacally as he continued riding down the hallway while using his powers to manipulate the fire-composed tidal wave.

Magneto stood in what remained of the once neat hallway, the fire wave leaving him completely burnt, scorched and covered in caramelized marshmallow soup. "Oh look. Batteries," He blinked dazedly right before collapsing and passing out.

**********

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Disclaimer: I do not own X-Men: Evolution.**


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